expectingRED

There is no easy way around this surgery, the idea of having my chest/sternum broken and heart cut open, terrifies the hell out of me, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It's a feeling that is really in describable to say the least.

After having myRED scar for 18 years, I barely got over that one, but because of the love I was shown for someone so near and dear to my heart. He allowed me to be comfortable with it like no one ever before. But the fact that I will have to endure yet another huge scar on my body honestly saddens me. I hate it! I'm mad over it, I know I should be proud, because it symbolizes LIFE, but deep down all I can think about is the fear.

The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. ~Henry Louis Mencken

All the Bible lessons, church sermons, explanations, music and etc hasn't been enough for me to set aside that fear. "I amRED but RED isn't me." I know it, I believe it, but for some reason its just not enough right now. So to do this blog through my process and hopefully my progress really is going to be inspiring. I know there will be good days and bad as there are now, I just want to build a better positive attitude from here on out.
The surgery itself scares me as well, more then anything else medical.

First on August 18th, 2011, I will go to UCSF and take a bunch more test, go on a tour, talk to the Anesthesiologists and nurse. Make a plan! A week of anxiety I'm sure will kick in to overdrive, and on August 24th 2011 I will go back to SF and stay the night because I have to be at the hospital at 6:00am on the August 25, 2011. They will sedate me and hook a million things to me then begin the actual surgery. They will STOP my heart before surgery, and then BREAK my STERNUM, cut open my heart and begin the repair. The surgery can take up to 3-5hours or more depending on severity, or any complications.


After the surgery I will be in ICU for a couple days and begin the process of recovery, then to a room where I will be for 4-5days. They will have me do a lot of walking, sitting up, talking, and slowly but surely build my strength to go home.