Suffer inSilence? (a hard one to write)

I've spent a lot of time crying and praying, more so for a miracle, and a change(good)! Weirdly enough I feel self-fish for asking God for such things. I know he's watching over me and my loved ones but that good oh "human" in me prevents me from allowing God to take control. I feel like others do have it worse then me, and who am I to ask for such things, there's a little baby boy whose fighting to take his first breathe on his own, someone is out there with no chance at life..... Why should God give me a miracle? What have I done to deserve such thing? I know the "logic" is wrong, but at the time it honestly feels right. Then again I've been mad, angry, sad, hurt, letdown, frustrated.... the list could continue. I feel slighted! At who? I haven't figured that out just yet. All I ever wanted was to be normal! That's not to much.... right?

Only two people know everything about me, from my happiest moments, to my lowest. God of course is one, and the other is a very special person to me. My whole life I've struggled with the dreaded dark DEPRESSION, something most people don't like to talk about, and at one point I hated the word myself. I always felt like the darkness was following me throughout my life. Just wouldn't let me get over the hump and stay happy for to long. It isn't easy, it has no name, it comes back/forth - in /out, it hovers over me, it calls my name, it nags me like none other....

Depression, what a sick place to be for a 25 years. Without much help feeling like a cloud is constantly over you. Not knowing what to do, who to call, what to say... Feeling like if you tell someone they wont understand, they'll talk about you, point at you, mock you, "diss" you. Or tell you things you already know and don't want to hear. So suffer in silence, hide behind a "hard shell." Wanting someone, who is genuine, caring, loving, supportive, understanding, who will listen, & will attempt to help (even when they know not what to do themselves.) Sometimes needing flesh to curve the loss you feel, the pain in your chest, the lonely moments. A shoulder! where is that "flesh" shoulder? Giving everyone everything you wish someone would give you.... Needing to feel needed, because you need someone yourself. Attacks not only mental, physical, emotional, and most of all spiritual.

"NO, I'AM NOT CRAZY"

Being depressed doesn't have a face, a particular look, or a sound... it just surrounds your life. Don't get me wrong I had great moments in my life: I smiled, laughed, danced, felt genuinely good/great at times. It pushed me to live for Happiness! I can say that one of the best days of my life was on 090504. To have someone come into my life and give me the world, care about me in a way that fulfilled that void I have always had. To bring me year-round sunshine when the tornado's came crashing through. Depression who? Sadly I got wrapped up in flesh, and it had its way with me. Insecurities set in strong, Fear set in even stronger most of all Doubt was my number one fan. I knew the signs of it but couldn't stop it, I knew where I was headed because I had been there before. But it was like a fast moving train there was no stopping it without causalities. I don't know why I was dealt these situations, I honestly don't care anymore.

As I get older and look at myLIFE ie; my daughter (the one they said I could never have) I realize I need to fight that demon. I continue to fight that bastard as hard as I can, even if he just won't leave. Through all of this the birth of my baby girl (052508), changed everything about life to me - It ties in being the best day of my life!! Got me to a place I never thought I would ever be lucky enough to get. She was/has been my new sunshine. My reason for breathing! I hate to give her that "job" but in all honesty shes the reason for what they call "strength." The days where I've been beaten up so bad, I look at her INNOCENT face and hear her sweet voice (whether yelling/crying) lol! and I'm reminded of life. I realize I don't have to suffer in silence anymore. I can put a face to Depression, Sadness, Hurt, Pain.... Why not? Why not be a voice for the voiceless, I didn't ask for these trials. But they don't have to beat me right? I have a jolt in my HEART today/tonight, I may cry, fight, yell, & scream tomorrow. But right now I'm Hopeful..... and that's a step I didn't have yesterday. I'll take each moment for what it is, and pray that it gets me through this most difficult time.

I may have setbacks, because once again.... I'm human! I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. It hurts like hell, I can't lie. But right now is a good moment! I hope to only have more of those. Don't feel sorry for me, PLEASE (I'M BEGGING) but be encouraged to look over your own life, and take it back. You don't have to suffer in silence, if no one else will listen. I HEAR YOU!